Elefantenjagt

Warning: Use of undefined constant ri_rand_compare - assumed 'ri_rand_compare' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/random-image-widget/random_image.php on line 129 Warning: Use of undefined constant ri_rand_compare - assumed 'ri_rand_compare' (this will throw an Error in a future version of PHP) in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/random-image-widget/random_image.php on line 130 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in 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line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character 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line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in 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offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/httpd/vhosts/scratchbook.ch/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1384 Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character 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INFORMATIKER
jagen Elefanten, indem sie Algorithmus A ausführen:
{
Gehe nach Afrika
Beginne am Kap der guten Hoffnung
Durchkreuze Afrika von Süden nach Norden bidirektional in Ost-West-Richung
Für jedes Durchkreuzen tue
{
Fange jedes Tier, das Du siehst
Vergl. jedes gefangene Tier mit einem Elefanten bekannten Tier
Halte an bei übereinstimmung
}
}

ERFAHRENE PROGRAMMIERER
verändern Algorithmus A, indem sie ein als Elefant bekanntes Tier in Kairo
plazieren, damit das Programm in jedem Fall korrekt beendet wird.

ASSEMBLER-PROGRAMMIERER
bevorzugen die Ausführung von Algorithmus A auf Händen und Knien.

SQL-PROGRAMMIERER
verwenden folgenden Ausdruck: SELECT Elefant FROM Afrika

NATURAL-PROGRAMMIERER
lassen sich von ADABAS einen Elefanten bringen.

LOGO-PROGRAMMIERER
reiten durch Afrika auf ihrer Schildkröte.

COBOL-PROGRAMMIERER
tun dies auf einem Dinosaurier.

BASIC-PROGRAMMIERER
bevorzugen jedoch einen mit Samt gepolsterten Einspänner, bei dem die
Bremsen ständig angezogen sind.

C-PROGRAMMIERER
bestimmen zuerst mit sizeof() die nötige Speichermenge für einen Elefanten,
versuchen diesen zu allokieren, vergessen dabei, das Ergebnis abzuprüfen
und schießen dann mit wilden Pointern auf den Elefanten.

C++-PROGRAMMIERER
bestehen darauf, daß der Elefant eine Klasse sei, somit schließlich seine
Fang-Methoden selbst mitzubringen habe. Und wenn der Elefant Afrika
verlassen sollte, dann wird ja automatisch sein Destruktor ausgelöst.

JAVA-PROGRAMMIERER
Packen den Elefanten in eine Wrapper-Klasse und lassen ihn vom Garbage
Collector aufräumen. Wenn Elefanten übrigbleiben, soll sich das System
darum kümmern.

OBJEKT-ORIENTIERTE DESIGNER
verlagern die Elefantenfunktionalität in die Oberklasse Rüsseltier,
refaktorisieren den Entwurf Afrikas und machen spezifische Elefanten in
einem spezifischen Afrika überflüssig.

PASCAL-PROGRAMMIERER
markieren zuerst einen Punkt auf der Landkarte, schreiben dann END davor
und träumen davon, daß Nikolaus Wirth von einem Elefanten totgetrampelt
wird.

MODULA-PROGRAMMIERER
importieren einen Elefanten aus/von einem Zoo.

LISP-PROGRAMMIERER
bauen einen Irrgarten aus Klammern und hoffen, daß sich der Elefant darin
verirrt.

EXTREME PROGRAMMER
bestehen darauf, dass erst einmal ein Test für Elefanten vorhanden sein
muss, bevor wir versuchen, sie zu fangen!

PERL-PROGRAMMIERER
sind froh, wenn sie die Elefanten nur einmal fangen müssen. Ein 2. Mal
würden sie ihren Code nicht mehr verstehen.

FORTRAN-PROGRAMMIERER
nähern den Elefanten solange an, bis den NUMERIKERN einer abgeht.

SMALLTALK-PROGRAMMIERER
fangen Elefanten viel schöner als C++- oder JAVA-PROGRAMMIERER und keinen
interessierts.

VIRENPROGRAMMIERER
jagen Elefanten, indem sie eine Maus ans Kap der guten Hoffnung schicken
und in Kairo auf die in Panik geratene Herde warten.

MATHEMATIKER
jagen Elefanten, indem sie nach Afrika gehen, alles entfernen, was nicht
Elefant ist und ein Element der Restmenge fangen.

ERFAHRENE MATHEMATIKER
werden zunächst versuchen, die Existenz mindestens eines eineindeutigen
Elefanten zu beweisen, bevor sie mit Schritt 1 als untergeordnete
Übungsaufgabe fortfahren.

MATHEMATIKPROFESSOREN
beweisen die Existenz mindestens eines eindeutigen Elefanten und überlassen
dann das Aufspüren und Einfangen eines tatsächlichen Elefanten ihren
Studenten.

NUMERIKER
berechnen den Fehler, den die PROGRAMMIERER und INGENIEURE gemacht haben,
und holen sich die restlichen Elefanten.

INGENIEURE
jagen Elefanten, indem sie nach Afrika gehen, jedes graue Tier fangen, das
ihnen über den Weg läuft, und es als Elefant mitnehmen, wenn das Gewicht
nicht mehr als 15% von dem eines vorher gefangenen Elefanten abweicht.

ARCHÄOLOGEN
jagen Elefanten erst, wenn diese 30 Meter unter der Erde liegen.

BIOLOGEN
geben sich mit der Analyse von Elefantenkot zufrieden.

JURISTEN
schicken allen in Afrika befindlichen Elefanten eine Vorladung mit
Androhung von Zwangsgeld und Vorführung in Handschellen bei
Nichterscheinen.

BOERSIANER
bringen Elefanten an die Boerse, warten bis der Kurs faellt und kaufen den
Markt auf.

JESUS CHRISTUS
bringt den Elefanten bei uebers Wasser zu laufen.

MITARBEITER ÖFFENTLICH-RECHTLICHER SENDE-ANSTALTEN
(z.B. ZDF) wiederholen solange ARTE-Beiträge über die
Holz-Kupfer-Stich-Schnitzerei im frühgotischen Burgund, bis alle Elefanten
freiwillig Afrika verlassen.

GENTECHNIKER
bestimmen das Genom des Elefanten, konstruieren einen Virus, der die
Elefanten dazu bringen soll, aus Afrika auszuwandern, rotten sie damit aus,
und meinen, das waere ja auch schon mal ein Erfolg.

CDU-POLITIKER
transferieren die Elefanten über eine Holdinggesellschaft in die Schweiz
und nach Liechtenstein, und vergessen dann, daß es jemals Elefanten gegeben
hat.

POLITIKER
machen die Elefanten, die andere fangen, schlecht, und versprechen bessere
Elefanten für nach den Wahlen.

ÖKOLOGEN
jammern, dass der Elefant ausstirbt und es in 5 Jahren (hoechstens) sowieso
keine Elefanten in Afrika mehr gibt.

RUSSENMAFIA
lockt die Elefanten unter falschen Versprechungen nach Europa und zwingt
sie auf dem Strassenstrich zu arbeiten.

PHILOSOPHEN
weigern sich die Existenz von Elefanten anzuerkennen. Folglich gibt es
keine Elefanten in Afrika.

OPEC-STAATEN
treiben den Preis fuer Elefanten hoch, indem sie immer nur ein paar
Elefanten fangen, und bringen die westliche Welt in eine Wirtschaftskrise.

DIE CIA
stürzt die Regierung der Elefanten und setzt einen ihr genehmen Diktator
ein.

DIE NSA
wartet, bis die Elefanten ein Telefongespräch fuehren …

MOSLEMISCHE EXTREMISTEN
erschießen und sprengen alles, was ihnen in den Weg kommt; und wenn’s auch
keine Elefanten sind.

US-ARMY-WISSENSCHAFTLER
entwickeln eine B-Waffe, die alle Fauna und Flora Afrikas bis auf die
Dickhäuter auslöscht, und schicken dann die Marines hinein, um den Rest
(Elefanten, Einwohner etc.) zu erledigen.

Die US-REGIERUNG
beobachtet Elefanten vom All aus, aber bestreitet deren Existenz.

SOZIALPÄDAGOGEN
jagen Elefanten in Argentinien.

SONDERPÄDAGOGEN
versuchen zuerst die Elefanten zu verstehen.

WIRTSCHAFTSWISSENSCHAFTLER
jagen keine Elefanten. Aber sie sind fest davon überzeugt, daß die
Elefanten sich selbst stellen würden, wenn man ihnen nur genug bezahlt.

STATISTIKER
jagen das erste Tier, das sie sehen, n-mal und nennen es Elefant.

UNTERNEHMENSBERATER
jagen keine Elefanten. Und viele haben noch niemals überhaupt irgend etwas
gejagt. Aber man kann sie stundenweise engagieren, um sich gute Ratschläge
geben zu lassen.

SYSTEMANALYTIKER
wären theoretisch in der Lage, die Korrelation zwischen Hutgröße und
Trefferquote bei der Elefantenjagd zu bestimmen, wenn ihnen nur jemand
sagen würde, was ein Elefant ist.

SAP-SYSTEMINGENIEURE
erklären das erstbeste Tier zu einem Elefanten und passen ihre
Vorstellungen eines Elefanten an dieses Tier an.

MICROSOFT
kauft einen Elefanten aus dem Zoo in Seattle, kopiert ihn massenhaft, redet
aller Welt ein, daß jeder einen bräuchte und daß dieser die ideale
Ergänzung zu MS Office sei, und exportiert 14 Mio. Stück nach Afrika.

WINDOWS NT PROGRAMMIERER
schiessen mit völlig ungeeigneten Gewehren in die völlig falsche Richtung
und erklären dann, daß es ein Fehler am Elefanten sein muß.

WINDOWS 95 PROGRAMMIERER
tun dasselbe, nur mit Pfeil und Bogen.